Respect Isn't the Same as Compliance

Hey there.

“I want my child to learn more respect.”

I’ve heard some version of that from parents for years.

Usually, they aren't talking about anything complicated. They want better manners. Better etiquette. Listening when an adult speaks. Following directions without having to be told over and over again.

There's an image many of us have in our heads of what a respectful young person looks like.

Yes sir. No ma'am.

Honourable. Loyal. Dutiful.

And every generation seems to believe the generation coming after it has lost some of that.

But after years of teaching young people, I’ve learned something: a child doing what they’re told isn’t necessarily the same thing as respect.

I Can't Demand Respect on the First Day

A new student walks into my class knowing very little about me.

I'm the instructor. It's my class. But I can't expect that student to respect me simply because I tell them they should.

Most kids already have a pretty good idea of what they're supposed to do and what they're not supposed to do. Sometimes they just need reminding.

What I've found works better is treating them like a human being—and sometimes treating them a little older than they really are.

I give them some responsibility. I expect something from them. I talk to them like they're capable of understanding what I'm asking.

When there's agreement and the relationship starts working, I've often seen them begin developing toward the maturity I'm asking of them.

But Someone Still Has to Be in Charge

Treating a student with respect doesn't mean giving up authority.

There still has to be an agreement between us.

This is my class. You don't get to run things here.

But if we're working together, it can be a fantastic experience for both of us.

If a student refuses to cooperate, that relationship changes. Sometimes I have to become the authoritarian.

And if there's a safety issue, there isn't a negotiation. I become the disciplinarian. That's part of my responsibility as the instructor.

Compliance Isn't the Goal

Sometimes compliance is necessary. But compliance isn't where I want the lesson to end.

A student can follow every instruction I give and still not respect me.

What I'm looking for eventually is acceptance—not tolerance.

At some point, they accept how this works. I have my responsibility in the class. They have theirs.

And then something better can happen.

They become motivated to be there.

I'm no longer trying to pull cooperation out of them. They're participating because they've accepted the process and decided they want something from it.

To me, that's maturity.

Respect Has to Become Their Own

Manners matter. Etiquette matters.

Young people should learn how to conduct themselves around adults and around each other.

But I don't think we've succeeded just because a child has learned the right words to say when an adult is standing in front of them.

They also have to learn that sometimes someone else is in charge, and there's a reason for it.

That doesn't mean becoming passive. It doesn't mean never questioning anything. And accepting correction doesn't mean they've been diminished by it.

There are times when I have to enforce the rules. There are times when I have to insist on safety.

But genuine respect develops differently.

Sometimes the first step is showing a young person what it feels like to be treated as though they're capable of giving it back.

When you say you want your child to show respect, what does that actually look like to you?